tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
