Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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