I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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