On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
