Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
