his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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