so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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