Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
