why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
