I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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