i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
