Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
