Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
