Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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