Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
