btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
