Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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