meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
