I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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