Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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