and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
