The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
