the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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