I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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