I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
