I puked a lego.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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