when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
