apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
