guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
