Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
