I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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