It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
