My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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