margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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