hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
