If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
