i don't like sucking hair
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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