WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
