Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
