my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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