I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
