A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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