fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
