If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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