This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
