After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
