I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
