Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
