I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
