Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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