im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
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"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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