I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
