Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
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She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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