If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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