At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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