When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wear drunk well.
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