College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
