his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
