Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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