I didn't shave. On purpose
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
