you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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