Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
