My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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