I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
