Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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