May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
