rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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